When it comes to having your team respect you, have you heard one of these?

“You want to be respected? Then you’ve got to make your team respect you — show them who’s boss.”

Or maybe… “Respect doesn’t mean anything if your team doesn’t like you — you need to show them you’re fun and relatable, because that’s what makes the difference.”

If you’ve ever felt completely confused about how to earn your team’s respect, either because you feel like you have to become this horrible boss, or on the flip side, a total pushover in order to get results, I want you to know you’re not alone.

In fact, that’s exactly why, in today’s article, I’m going to spill the tea on:

• Why advice like that is so ineffective
• What you actually need to do to earn your team’s respect
• How to know whether it’s a you problem or a them problem (which is important to understand, but something a lot of new managers struggle with). 

Bad Advice If You Want Your Team To Respect You

I’ve personally been on the receiving end of a lot of ineffective advice (or what I eventually realized was ineffective advice). I remember hearing remixes of things like:

“Mak, you need to bring down the hammer on your team if you want them to respect you.” 

“Mak, you have to control the day, and you have to control the route people take to get results because the last thing you want is upper management thinking your team is in chaos and that you’re not in control.”

Eventually, after trying that approach on for size, I came to realize it was completely ineffective for me. And the worst part is, this isn’t uncommon. This advice is everywhere (despite not being effective for so many managers!).

A Real-Life Example Of Earning The Respect Of A Difficult Team Member

I remember working with a student inside New Manager Accelerator, and her name was Donna. When we first started working together, she was facing a challenge with one of her team members. Let’s call this team member Sally.

Sally had been with the company for a long time and naturally assumed she would be promoted when the manager role opened. But instead, Donna, someone newer to the organization, got the position. So as you can imagine, there was friction and tension right from the start.

Donna went to her manager for help and said, “Listen, I’m having this issue with Sally, what do I do?”

And her manager’s advice was, “You’ve got to put your manager hat on, and just deal with it.”

Now of course, that didn’t align with Donna’s values. So she and I talked it through and came up with a solution that felt right for her. We decided to approach the situation through collaboration and transparency.

So she sat down with Sally, and together, led by Donna, they focused on finding working solutions that benefited both of them.

And the result? I’m happy to say they now have a much better, respectful working relationship. Is it perfect? No, because these things take time. But it’s moving in the right direction.

Generally speaking, they have a respectful relationship now. 

So much so that when Donna went on vacation not too long ago, she asked Sally to take things over and look after the team—and Sally did a phenomenal job. And now Sally goes to Donna for advice when she needs help working through tough team dynamics. So I’d say that turned into a win-win for both of them.

That outcome never would’ve happened if Donna had chosen the route of force and fear. Because the truth is, you cannot earn respect with brute force and control. That’s just not how it works.

Why Respect Can’t Be Earned Through Force and Control

In fact, what I’ve seen over and over again is that when people do go down that path, it backfires. They end up creating an environment full of resentment, disengagement, lack of trust, fear—and that actually breeds disrespect. 

This brings me to another common piece of advice that’s just as unhelpful. Have you ever heard someone say, “You have to control every little thing your team is doing in order to get results”?

Again, even though control may seem like the best path, it’s one of those approaches that just does not invite balance. What you want to do is set the right amount of guardrails and clarity so your team has autonomy and knows what they’re doing. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s important.

Why Most Advice About Management Doesn’t Work

Now, maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “Yeah, Mak, that’s easy for you to say.” And I get it. I truly do. I know how challenging this can be, especially when you’re new in the role. That’s exactly why it’s so tempting to run straight to Google or YouTube looking for step-by-step instructions on how to handle situations like this. It’s uncomfortable.

I’ve been in those shoes before—searching high and low across the internet for anything that could give me even a little bit of relief in moments like this. So trust me, I get it.

But there are two much deeper issues with some of the advice we’ve talked about so far and honestly, with a lot of the advice you find for free online.

1. The Advice Might Not Be Right For You

First, maybe you’re in a situation right now where you’re leaning on guidance from people who you believe have more experience than you… and that advice just doesn’t sit right. Maybe the techniques feel uncomfortable to apply.

Sometimes that discomfort comes from the fact that you’ve never done it before and you simply need to practice. It’s not always that the advice is wrong—sometimes it’s new and it stretches you.

But a lot of times… the advice really does conflict with who you are and what you value. And when that happens, not only does it feel wrong, it’s also not going to work for you.

Before you jump in and accept anyone’s advice, I really want you to pause and critically think about it. Ask yourself: Does this align with my values and my leadership style? Because honestly, just taking advice and doing what someone tells you to do, when it doesn’t align, is unlikely to work, and it’ll probably leave you feeling terrible too. That’s a lose-lose.

2. The Advice Is Missing Nuance

Now, deeper problem number two, and yes, this applies mostly to online content, but it’s still important: an article or a video doesn’t have the context of your situation. Which means we can’t always give you advice that will truly fit you.

Yes, there are frameworks that generally work, that’s why I focus on principles on my Youtube channel and in this free training for managers, but even with that, I don’t have the nuance. I can’t ask follow-up questions to understand the “why” behind what’s happening. I can’t observe your body language as you explain the situation. So I don’t get the specifics that would help me tailor the best approach for you.

So, without that context, it’s tough to give advice that I can confidently say will work perfectly for your scenario.

Now, that doesn’t mean reading this can’t help you. Because here’s what I do know: in principle, when there’s a lack of respect, you have to get to the root of the problem. And getting to the root requires reflection—especially on your role in the situation.

It means asking whether the steps to build the relationship were taken. It means stripping out the emotion and looking at the real causes behind the disrespect. And it means preparing to have conversations that might make you feel a little vulnerable (but will move things forward or at least give you clarity on what to do next).

Moving Beyond Frameworks And Getting Real Advice As a New Manager

Building the ability to be a great leader and have your team respect you is about 10% frameworks, and 90% skill. You need the skills that are required to navigate the messy, human realities that come with leadership. Skills like self-awareness, active listening, and clear, concise communication.

This is exactly why, in the New Manager Accelerator program, we have weekly group coaching calls so you’re not just learning the frameworks, but actually practicing them and implementing them in a safe environment. That practice and feedback cycle is what develops the skill sets that matter most. Learn more about working with me in my program New Manager Accelerator here.