4 TIPS FOR TOUGH CONVERSATIONS WITH TEAM MEMBERS

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So we’re talking about difficult conversations with employees because even if you have the best team you’re still going to find yourself having these difficult conversations because that’s just how it goes! Whether it is about attitude, performance, change management or even if it’s something simple BUT you are kind of a people pleaser and/or has this desire to be liked for approval – then every small thing is going to feel like a difficult conversation for you. 

Here’s where you start when you want to have tough conversations with a team members. 

Well, number 1 – YOU GOTTA PREPARE.

I promise you, you will go into the conversation better and come out of the conversation successfully if you take the proper time ahead to prepare yourself in thought, word and emotionally. 

So what do I mean when I say you have to prepare yourself in thought, word and emotionally?

Well, first of all you have to be very clear on what the issue is and what the problem is that you are addressing. If you are hazy on the facts, then it’s going to come out jumbled as you’re nervous and it won’t have the desired effect because you can’t clearly articulate the issue. So take time to get your facts straight – what is the issue?  Why is it a problem? And what is that you would like to change? 

In The New Manager Accelerator, I give my students a difficult conversation worksheet to use so that they can prepare their thoughts for each conversation – I suggest you do something similar of your own. 

Number 2: Once you have jotted it down, the next step is to pick your words. 

“Stay away from words that trigger defenses”

I cannot for the life of me remember where I got this from but I thought the sentence made perfect sense for a difficult conversation: 

Stay away from accusatory words or sentences about the person. Be clear that the person is not the issue, just the behavior, actions or performance.

Then, PREPARE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY.

If you know the personality style of the person that you are going to talk to then you can prepare yourself for the reaction. If you know you are going to be addressing a highly emotional person, prepare yourself emotionally – that their response is not personal to you. Learn to accept the fact that their personality just lends them to be sensitive to what you are saying.

Something that really helped me was recognizing that everyone is fighting their own battles. Yes this is a place of work, but we are all bringing our traumas and/or issues with us to work. It is basically part of who we are and that is going to manifest itself in all sorts of ways. 

Ok so you’ve prepared, you’ve got your outline and everything and you are in the conversation itself, what do you do?

The next step is to Get there quickly.  This is one of the biggest mistakes I see new managers when it comes to having difficult conversations with employees. They get nervous then end up talking about the weather and everything under the sun before jumping to have the discussion. 

This makes you more nervous because you’re not ripping off the band aid but instead you’re working yourself up into a knot about what could happen when you do. And it makes the person on the receiving end nervous because their head is probably going to the worst place possible because that’s what we do as humans, right?

So tell them right away why you’ve called them in. Make use of the following:

“Hey I brought you in here because I want to talk about a few things I noticed during the last project you led.”

“Hey, I brought you in here because I want to talk about your punctuality over the past couple weeks.”

“Hey I want to talk to you about how you reacted in our team meeting.”

Get straight to the point – it is the kind thing to do.  (Be clear)

Once you have stated what you want to talk about, aim to be clear about what the issue is and its impact. 

There is nothing more frustrating than having to sit there and have to figure out what your manager has an issue with. This is why we did the work of preparing so that you can work out the kinks – but don’t get in there and dim it for the sake of sparing feelings because you might have the opposite effect. Rather, be clear, let them know what the issue is and then help them see how this impacts things. 

Here’s an example,

“Hey, the last 3 days you have shown  up 20 minutes late for your shift. It pushes back Suzy being able to leave her station which affects her being able to show up on time for a mentoring session she’s having with other team members. This affects…”

Notice how I was very clear? I even stated 3 days, not a couple days, not a few days, I said specifically what it was so that there is no room for not understanding. I mean if they want to push back, that’s fine, but I as the manager am being very straight and I’m stating what the impact is so that they know the domino effect of issues those actions caused. 

Listen, most people aren’t coming into work looking to piss you off. Sometimes they just don’t really know or have not thought through the first or second order consequences. Especially as an individual contributor because you can see your world. Whereas you as the manager are seeing a wider range so it’s up to you to help them understand the impact.

The next thing you want to do is be curious. Ask them some questions. You can ask clarifying questions or dive deep questions!

The first thing this does is it opens up the door for conversation rather than you just talking in front of them which could possibly make them feel as though they are being attacked. It also gives way for you to then listen. 

Which we know is one of the most important things a person can do in a conversation. Listening could give you insights as to why something might be happening or why it happened – this is not to excuse the behavior,  just simply gives you a better understanding. 

Having difficult conversations with employees is not easy, and while it does get easier to engage in tough conversations, I’d argue that  it’s never easy.